random strangers...

and now for something different. working in a public place has given me me ample opportunity to encounter differing sorts of people. i'm talking about more than just people from different races, classes and genders, more than just people from different walks of life... minoring in reconciliation studies has given me plenty of those kinds of experiences. what i'm talking about is deeper, more subtle, more unique. i'm talking about the sorts of differences we all have: quirks, idiosyncrasies, mannerisms.

working in a public grocery store has made me more aware of each persons' own uniqueness in a way no anthropology course ever could. i see people on their to and from work, i see them on saturday morning before they're showered and shaved, i see them drunk on a friday night and after happy hour. i see what they eat, how they shop, on good days and bad, when the sun is shining and when the sky has been cloudy for weeks on end.

and so, realizing that i should make the most of this anthropological experience (and also for a bit of fun), i thought i'd start to share with you some of my random stranger stories. tonight, it's an update on the infamous banana lady, since i knowingly left you hanging last time.

banana lady update: what i thought was a meaningful connection over her youthful eccentricity has become nothing more than a glance or two in my direction. poor sweet banana lady, you tried in vain to convince me that we had a secret 'banana room' where we kept all the good bananas fresh and green (but not too green)- you tried to sway me into showing you this secret room and letting you fill your cart to the brim with only the most perfect of all bananas- you tried your hardest to connect with me over this secret and i failed you. i am sorry, banana lady, but the day was long and my list of duties for the night was long. i am sorry, banana lady, for letting you down and breaking our secret bond. i promise to find this secret banana-holding room and make you a spare key so that you can enter and shop to your heart's content.

exisentially muddled me

i spent a good couple of hours online tonight, looking at old photos of friends, past lives, past selves and wondering to my self "is this really my life?"... or i guess more accurately, "was that really my life? did all those magical things really take place?"

i find myself now, stretched out on my couch in the back room of my chicago apartment, surrounded by a sea of financial papers that are once again delayed, my mind and heart swarming with questions. is post-college-life supposed to be just one big mess of existential crises or am i just making it out to be that way?

a good friend and old roommate came to visit me this past weekend. he saw my new city, new lifestyle, met my new boyfriend. and we had a wonderful time- in part, reminiscing about the past- in part, talking about the future... sharing our new selves with each other and remembering why we are friends. but having him here, a glimmering reflection of my past mixed into my new life, has made me stop and think.

is life just a series of moments, pinpoints marking out each of our paths. a few moments ago i was living in minneapolis with a house full of dirty hippies and catfish and music and scarf-dancing and tea. before then, i was the only girl in a 5-way clique of nerdy yet wonderful guy friends that sat around listening to records for hours, drinking tea and talking about how the music made us feel. and now, what now?

i feel like i'm once again floundering around, trying to figure out who i am and how to be.

is this perpetual state of self-consciousness going to be with me forever? or is it just in these moments of transition, in unsettled-ness, that confusion sets in?

i've been trying hard to get out of my head- realizing that once again, change is inevitable and that once again, no amount of analyzing on my part can adequately prepare me for all the questioning it brings. i've been spending my time socializing (over-socializing some days), making friends, exploring the city, picking up new (and old) hobbies. i've been enjoying my current pinpoint of a life, the moments that make up this season. i've made close friends, learned more about myself, and even managed to instill a touch of discipline.

but after spending hours on facebook, reliving old lives through the 373 photos added by others, i find that i can no longer keep those questions at bay... i see that i've spent this year struggling to recapture glimpses of myself, of things i like, ideals i support, people i enjoy. i'm working at connecting those moments to these moments, those pinpoints to these, trying to create some semblance of a whole life.

maybe that's why i have such a desire to travel. i can put a mark on each place that feels like home- whether that be because of the people or the history or whatever- and i can drive from one to another to another with the aim of bringing them all together somehow in my mind.