but what about us youngsters? what about those of us who spent 75% of their life being told what to think and where to go and what to do and even when to pee...? we are let out into the world with endless possibilities for life, expecting doors to be opened for us as they have been before, anticipating greatness and excitement and adventure. i've been out of college now for 3 years and am still floundering under the weight of such expectation. not only do i have the constant pressure of deciding what i want to do day by day, but i have the overwhelming thoughts of future life looming overhead... what do i want to do with this life i've been given? where in the entire world do i want to live? who do i want to spend my time with? does that person or people want to spend their time with me? am i too young to settle down and plant some roots or should i continue to float from place to place avoiding any lasting commitments? how do i pursue the life i want while factoring in money and loans and future finances? it's a wonder we don't see more grey-haired 25 year olds walking around!
i've recently been given a fresh start; i can do anything with my life- live anywhere, surround myself with whomever and whatever i please... and the idea of choosing continues to daunt me.
i have a mellow and rather old soul- those who know me can attest to this- so naturally when i think of what i like to do and how i picture life i imagine it calm and peaceful. gardens, sewing, baking, lazy afternoons at the park, long walks, chickens, hula hooping, spending time with friends and family, spending time writing, front porches, and good books. and there's nothing wrong with these things- they make me happy and fill my time adequately.
but those who know me may also notice that i surround myself with adventuresome people; people who encourage me to live life to it's fullest and take some risks. these people help keep me from boring myself, they challenge me to live the kind of life i dream about whether by adding more travel, unique outings, varied socializing, or even new hobbies into my humdrum daily life. without these people, i would fail to reach my full potential; i would become stagnant and dull.
so as day passes day, while i continue to stress and plan and worry over my future and what to do, i now wonder if there is a way to introduce some more vibrancy into my life. i could easily find a place to settle down for the next year or two or ten. i could plant a garden, buy some chickens, fill my time with hobbies and activities i love, all while working toward some future goal of a life and career and whatever... but is it enough? what about the small yearning for adventure that lays hidden deep within? do i continue to rely on others to fulfill that need in spurts? do i risk increased loneliness by striking out on my own? do i settle for what's safe and familiar while attempting regular trips to exotic places or vice versa? i used to dream of traveling the country in my el camino (which is yet to become a reality), with all my possessions packed in back and a companion at my side (probably a canine)... but is that still ideal?
i've been bogged down with so many realities of life, financial, relational, practical- that i can't tell if i'm being realistic or pessimistic. undoubtably, i would be lonely traveling alone. although one can argue that i'd be lonely living by myself too. financially speaking, working regular hours with a regular paycheck is necessary, but work shouldn't control my whole young life. not yet anyway. so where does that leave me?
for today, all i can do is address my frustration and admit my utter confusion. undoubtably, time will continue to flit by, bringing my decisions nearer and nearer. it's possible, my inability to choose will make the decision for me, but we shall see when we reach september. for today, all i can do is wonder.