exisentially muddled me

i spent a good couple of hours online tonight, looking at old photos of friends, past lives, past selves and wondering to my self "is this really my life?"... or i guess more accurately, "was that really my life? did all those magical things really take place?"

i find myself now, stretched out on my couch in the back room of my chicago apartment, surrounded by a sea of financial papers that are once again delayed, my mind and heart swarming with questions. is post-college-life supposed to be just one big mess of existential crises or am i just making it out to be that way?

a good friend and old roommate came to visit me this past weekend. he saw my new city, new lifestyle, met my new boyfriend. and we had a wonderful time- in part, reminiscing about the past- in part, talking about the future... sharing our new selves with each other and remembering why we are friends. but having him here, a glimmering reflection of my past mixed into my new life, has made me stop and think.

is life just a series of moments, pinpoints marking out each of our paths. a few moments ago i was living in minneapolis with a house full of dirty hippies and catfish and music and scarf-dancing and tea. before then, i was the only girl in a 5-way clique of nerdy yet wonderful guy friends that sat around listening to records for hours, drinking tea and talking about how the music made us feel. and now, what now?

i feel like i'm once again floundering around, trying to figure out who i am and how to be.

is this perpetual state of self-consciousness going to be with me forever? or is it just in these moments of transition, in unsettled-ness, that confusion sets in?

i've been trying hard to get out of my head- realizing that once again, change is inevitable and that once again, no amount of analyzing on my part can adequately prepare me for all the questioning it brings. i've been spending my time socializing (over-socializing some days), making friends, exploring the city, picking up new (and old) hobbies. i've been enjoying my current pinpoint of a life, the moments that make up this season. i've made close friends, learned more about myself, and even managed to instill a touch of discipline.

but after spending hours on facebook, reliving old lives through the 373 photos added by others, i find that i can no longer keep those questions at bay... i see that i've spent this year struggling to recapture glimpses of myself, of things i like, ideals i support, people i enjoy. i'm working at connecting those moments to these moments, those pinpoints to these, trying to create some semblance of a whole life.

maybe that's why i have such a desire to travel. i can put a mark on each place that feels like home- whether that be because of the people or the history or whatever- and i can drive from one to another to another with the aim of bringing them all together somehow in my mind.